No matter how long you’ve been on your journey of special parenting, I’m sure someone has said to you, “I don’t know how you do it, I could never have the energy or courage to do what you do every day.” And I used to be one of those people, until my daughter came into my world.

     I know I say it often but I strongly feel that we were chosen by God to parent our kids. He gave us the skills we were going to need as parents the day we were born…think about that! The thoughts overwhelm me sometimes…When all of a sudden, usually without warning, you have to go into a mode of yourself that you never knew existed, you can do nothing but have courage. You gather the strength from somewhere deep inside that was waiting, lying dormant, for your child to enter your life. He planned it that way.

     Then, this little precious person becomes the thing that precedes everything in your life up until that moment, which is so much more important than any kind of fear that would like to take over.

What can be more important than your child? Whether you planned this life to be part of your family naturally, or traveled to another city or country to make him your own, the love you have for this child is without measure. Fear is not an option.

     Fear creates chaos and distance. It breeds worry and uncertainty. We don’t have time for such thoughts or actions. We usually have too many appointments, meetings, and unexpected challenges that come up to allow any of those words into our vocabulary.

     Think about how natural these things come to you– You have become better at multi-tasking that you ever thought possible. You have become your very own crisis intervention specialist. You took (or maybe still are taking) a crash course on your child’s diagnosis or disability; you quickly became the therapist, physician, specialist, and parent….all at the same time.  We don’t have time to live by fear. Fear is the opposite of faith.

    I choose to live by faith. Faith breeds answers, peace and hope. Hope for our children’s future, and ours. Faith creates the environment for healing, progress, and accomplishments for our kids on a day-to-day basis.

     Can you imagine what our world would be like if firefighters lived by fear? We have their courage– Courage to go where not many would choose to go, with faith, hope, and expectancy—for the life of another. So, my prayer is that you realize how so very valuable your journey as a special parent has become.  So valuable, that your life parallels that of a firefighter.  Regardless of limitation, different abilities, or challenges, our children have taught us how to fight the fires of their disability, and face the heat with faith and courage.

     They spoke of how they realized she was deaf, and how many times they had suspicions and were told they were over-anxious first time parents. They then explained how they moved across the country to find the services and schools they knew their daughter needed—No jobs in sight, and they moved from Ohio to California without even questioning themselves. After many years and moves, the Mother stated so simply that when their daughter was 6 years old, she saw a person that had a physical disability, and in her innocent, newly found voice, she said to her mother, “I am so glad I don’t have a disability.” All their hard work, sweat, and tears came down to that one moment. They had placed her in a school setting with professionals that taught her all about the hearing world and how to function in it. Every moment of doubt or questioning themselves as special parents became a quick memory in that one single moment.

     As the Mom was speaking, I instantly began to weep. I wept because isn’t that what all of us want? We want all these appointments, research, running on empty wondering if it will all truly be worth it one day—to come down to one moment just like that. Maybe some of our kids wouldn’t be able to communicate that to us as beautifully as their daughter did, but even if our moment came down to some form of confirmation from our child or someone that has to do with our child’s functioning that we did OK. Because when it comes down to it, the approval of our kids is one of the main goals—at least it is for me.

     I look forward to the day when my Olivia is ready to tell me thank you for all of the services I made sure she had, or that she doesn’t feel inside any different than anyone else she comes in contact with—because of the way we treated her, and never made her feel any different.

     I also wept at the thought of that feeling as a parent. When we became parents, whether we knew our child had different abilities right away or not, parenting in general is a challenge. We all want to do the right thing for all of our kids-we want to help guide them in their decisions; we want what’s best for them. And the ultimate would be to get some kind of confirmation of that—verbal or otherwise.

     The tears I shed while driving away from meeting them were much different than the tears I have shed on my special parenting journey thus far.  They were filled with hope for Olivia’s future, and for our family as a whole. This beautiful couple that shared their special story with us, filled us with expectation and hope for the future—not just for Olivia’s future, but also for ours as parents. They taught us that we will survive—they’re proof.

     How many of us had to travel across the country to get services for our child? We may have had our share of obstacles along the way, trying to find the right professionals to be on our child’s team, but I’m pretty certain not many of us had to do what they did.

      I feel they are an inspiration to special parents everywhere. I’m sure they don’t feel that way… through their humbling, genuine words; I realized that they did what any one of us would have done. They didn’t have a choice. When you become a special parent, you realize that your needs and wants are no longer an issue; all that matters is your child. They are the epitome of parenthood.

     My hope for you and your family this month is that you will remember the simple words of this precious little girl at such a young age—and look forward to your moment just like that. And instead of filling your days with worry and thoughts of doubt in this journey with your child, focus on the hope and expectancy of your moment, and know that you’re doing a good job.

     Many parents I know say to my husband and I, “enjoy them while they’re little, they grow up so fast.” I agree already, from experience with both of my kids, and they’re only 8 and 5 years old.  They are growing before my eyes, and in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it is definitely a challenge to just sit back and enjoy them completely.

     It is even more challenging to relax and be in the moment when you have a child with special needs. When we get in a pattern of crisis management, or planning for multiple procedures our kids need, we are in caregiver mode, rather than parent mode. Regardless of how often your child’s condition requires you to be in this mode, my prayer is that my words will guide even the smallest steps toward enjoying your special child more.

     So how do we come to a place where we consciously make an effort to focus on our child’s unique blessings they give to us daily, rather than worrying about the next crisis?

 I feel we must get in the habit of focusing on all the wonderful things our kids are capable of doing, rather than their limitations. When we have to be “on-call” so to speak for the next obstacle, it is so easy to get in the mode of only seeing the disability.  Personally, I try to focus on my Olivia’s smile, her words, and her beautiful, string-willed spirit that shines so brightly. I’ve found that the more I see what she can do, the things she can’t do become so very small.

    A friend of mine that is a parent coach always says, “What you focus on grows.” Think about that and how it relates to your child, and how much brighter your days would be if the center of your focus is on the positive things he or she shows to you every day. Even the smallest accomplishment can grow if you allow it to.

     The small victories that our children have—a new word, a new movement, the ability to tolerate a new situation, etc…those are the things that should get us from day to day. These small goals our kids meet may not mean anything to the outside world, but in our world, in our families, they mean so very much.

     My challenge for you this month is to make a conscious effort to focus on one positive thing your child is capable of doing—not comparing him or her to typical peers—find one thing to hone in on, and watch how it grows. Just like a seed placed in soil, if it is not nurtured and taken care of, it will not grow.

     The same is true of our kid’s beautiful seeds that are right in front of us every day. We must water the seeds with faith-filled words of encouragement and hope for their future, and feed their rich soil by basking in their accomplishments, no matter how big or small they may be.  Their self-confidence and self-pride is counting on us to consistently be the sunlight in their lives, and not bring pity into the way we react to them, to ensure they continue to grow and blossom.  By allowing ourselves to see the magnificent flowers they are becoming, we can relax and enjoy them each step of this special journey we are walking together.

     Many things can accelerate the feelings that were associated with our season of being a new special parent. For some of us, when we hear a certain professional’s voice, or our child has an appointment at a place where these feelings were birthed, the memory of that season of our lives becomes ever so clear. For still some, the sight of a particular medicine, treatment, or assistive device that your child needed at that time makes these emotions surface. For others, it may be the memory of when and how we first came to accept our child’s challenges—these realizations have become part of us, and have an actual “anniversary” in our minds.

      When fall comes, my emotions race back to the fall when my daughter’s life was forever changed. This is our fifth fall since then, and I vowed that this year would be full of hope and happiness. My challenge for all of us this month (myself included!) is to find something positive to replace any negative thoughts that encompass whatever you relate to as that season of your special parenting life.

      Whether this time was a very short while ago, or many years ago, we all share the same feeling about it…The more special parents I encounter, the more I realize we all have a space in our hearts that were forever changed when we learned something about our child would be different and unique. At first, that space is filled with sadness, confusion and anger. We do anything we can to fill it up with our own strength.

Then as time goes by, this cavity begins to fill up with new tissue that you never thought would be able to dwell within you. You used to see others that had special children and wonder how they did it. Then one day, you became one of them. You learned how to instantly compromise everything in your life up until that moment, and live to give your child hope and stamina to endure whatever was up ahead in their journey…

     I feel that as this space continues to fill up with positive, encouraging things that our kids are capable of doing, the more our season that was once very difficult to get through, can become a very happy time of year.

     Rather than mourning during this time, we should celebrate. If we consciously embrace all of the things that were present then, and think of how far we’ve come as parents we can’t do anything but celebrate! Be proud of the person you’ve become since your special season came to be part of your life. Think of all the challenges you have faced, and all of the strength you’ve had to endure each one of them with confidence and ever loving commitment to your child. You’ve done things since then that you probably never dream you could do.

     So this month, I will bask in the wonderful thoughts of each and every precious moment with my Olivia. Just as I will enjoy the changing colors of the leaves, I will rejoice at the thought of all the wonderful changes that have happened within me and within our entire family since she came into our world.

Now think about all of the many things you as a special parent have learned to endure. Whether your child is a few months old or approaching adulthood, I’m sure you know a thing or two about endurance.We have been so very accustomed to being in a state of constant alert—we don’t dare relax and get comfortable, because when we do, some new crisis or setback may occur. So as we go through life, doing all the things we need to do for our child, the rest of our family, our work, and of course, our peace of mind; where does our strength come from? In order to endure we must first have strength and stamina.

I’m certain that if you tried to recall the most recent difficult day with your special child, it won’t take you very long. It was probably a day filled with anxiety, fear, worry, and questions. Maybe your child suffered some kind of setback in his or her development, or his behavior was out of control, or he had to go through yet another surgery…whatever your child’s specific need may be; our feelings as special parents are all the same. So go ahead—find that day in your memory… That was quick.

Our roughest days are so very easy to recall because they were most likely consumed with trauma. Not only for our child, but for us. The details are very clear-sights, sounds, voices, and smells of the event can come flooding back to you in an instant, right? Now I’d like to challenge you to think about how you got through that day. Did you survive? Obviously you did. And in the mean time, you took care of your child and family before, during and after this event. Where did your energy come from? Focus your thoughts on what got you through that day…Your family? Prayer? Your spouse? A resource book? Your friends? My hope is that this is just as easy for you to recall, but because we are always ‘on alert’ for a crisis, unfortunately, our thought patterns can so easily go to the trauma itself rather than how we endured it. I’m sure you have a few sources that you gain courage from that best fit your child’s needs, and your family’s personality as a whole that you utilize the most. In many ways, we are that team member on the playing field of our child’s life, willing to do whatever it takes to win the game of the day. Many of us are the coaches, while some of us like to ride along with the rest of our child’s team and make decisions together. During my daughter’s most recent setback, I noticed many of the resources I go to in order to sustain the day were there as usual—my husband, my faith, my family, my friends, and her physician. Not anything new compared to the previous setbacks. But as the day went on, and I made the conscious choice to focus on how far she has come, rather than the pain of the day, I realized that she is my biggest source of strength. Her smile, her voice, her eyes….and all of the wonderful things she can do as a direct result of her perseverance and determination. She has taught me what it means to endure. She has been leading this journey all along. Regardless of what the delay or disability is called that is part of your child; no matter how big or how small his or her achievements have been up until now, whether a victory for you is defined my him rolling over for the first time or she initiated a social interaction; I’m certain that your child is the leader of your team also. I feel we need to tap into our kids’ energy and stamina so no matter where our days lead us, we always end up in victory. Our kids have amazing spirits filled with hope and joy—they will get us through any battle, and teach us what it truly means to endure.

The definition of empathy is ‘the action of understanding, being aware, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts and experiences of another…and/or having the capacity for this.’ I do not claim to be an expert in the subject; I can only tell you about how empathy has impacted my family and me directly.

I think that some of us have a larger capacity than others for empathy. Maybe it is based on our upbringing, genetics, life experiences, or a combination of all of them. But in attempting to teach your children how to respond to children that may walk, talk or act differently than they do, I think it is vital that you dig deep into that capacity for empathy and relay it to them. This, in turn, will increase their capacity for empathy.

Consider this: you are in a grocery store and see a mom with a child in her cart that obviously has some sort of delay or disability and your child is staring at him. What do you do? What do you say? Here is where your degree of empathy comes in. Instead of staring with your child or trying to hide your child out of embarrassment, set an example by acting and talking to the child as if there were do differences. Don’t speak with pity or sorrow to the child or his parent; instead speak with admiration and honesty. That mom has been through some very rough days and wants so desperately for her child to be accepted just as much as yours. Don’t look at the parent with sadness or heartache, instead look at her with dignity and respect and know that she has gone beyond the realm of courage and bravery in parenting this child.

As we all know, if you model this behavior to your children, you are leading by example, so next time your child may not shun or stare at a child who is different. Hopefully, after the encounter, your child will ask some questions. That will be your opportunity to express the importance of not making people feel different, even when they are. Encourage your child to approach and befriend a child who is different from them. They need acceptance from peers and friendships just like any other kid. Don’t be intimidated by the unknown, just open your mind and put yourself in the other parent’s shoes. Increase your capacity to empathize with them and you’ll be teaching your child one of the most valuable lessons—kids that appear to be different in some way don’t deserve to be treated differently. Things aren’t necessarily the way they seem, so take the time to listen and understand the child before you judge him.

I feel if we can all do this in small ways with our typically developing children, they will have a large inner capacity for empathy and will be able to express it to their peers—and someday, to their own children.