With her plastic tool in hand, my daughter looked at me without skipping a beat and said, “I’m helping daddy wreck your couch.”

photo credit: greenkozi

photo credit: Nic Name

Upon leaving my Bible study one morning, I was positioning my three year old in her car seat when my attention was caught with the sound of a thud. The wind had swung my door open, hitting the van parked next to me. I quickly accessed the damage and was relieved there was only a light coat of red on the car next to me.

I spoke to the driver who was sitting in her car and turned to leave. I now discovered that my car door was shut, locked, with my three year old in the car, and my keys sitting on the seat. I tried to get my daughter to open the door. She was clueless to my instructions and proceeded to pretend she was driving. Trying not to panic, I wondered how in the world I was going to get this child to open the door. No matter what I said or where I pointed, she wouldn’t grab the handle.

“Roll down the window.” I told my daughter. Nothing. She just smiled at me and kept on driving. Finally, grabbing the window, I discovered a gap.

“Lana, get the keys.” She looked around like they were going to fall from the sky somehow. When she finally spotted them I said, “Put them in the window.” I showed her where by placing my fingers in the window. She proceeded to put her fingers in the window.

“Put the keys in the window.” She dropped them once, and then finally got them through the window. Victory! I was in the car. The lesson I learned was to make sure your child knows where the door handle is located. Fortunately, I had not gotten her fully strapped in the car seat yet, or I would have been in a heap of trouble that day.

About the Author: Beckie Stewart resides in Delavan, IL. Visit Beckie’s blog at http://godsgraciousgems.blogspot.com

Kenzie’s dream was a lofty one — to sit upon her own throne on her 9 th birthday and unwrap her gifts. So she talked me into buying a Strawberry Shortcake inflatable chair to be used to fulfill not only her royal ambitions but another dream as well. When we moved into our current home four years ago she exacted a promise that I would decorate her room in pink. As you guessed it is still blue, but for one Strawberry Shortcake throw pillow, a Strawberry Shortcake poster, and an inflatable pink throne she would consider her room officially decorated until she reaches the age of 13.How could I resist?I must have been blindfolded and taken by a UFO because in a matter of minutes I found myself walking through the aisles of Party City . It was there I bought her the apparently indestructible Strawberry Shortcake Inflatable Chair.It was now the day before the party and time to blow up the inflatable throne because — well — it’s inflatable. Being a gifted mother however I informed Kenzie we must read the instructions first.That’s when the trouble began.The instructions promise that if the item is inflated properly it may last up to 10 years (the perfect gift to send my daughter off to college with). In fact, the instructions promise, if you take proper care of the chair it can become a cherished family heirloom (”Yes, dear, it’s true. Your great grandmother, Queen Cheryl, sat upon this very inflatable throne and ruled the upper waste water management district of the state of IL in the early 21 st century. Her portrait is down the hallway”).

The instructions also warn you that if you want your Strawberry Shortcake Inflatable Chair to look like the one on the box you need to look at it under normal light. (Do you know anyone who looks at chairs with abnormal light in their homes? If you do, put this down and calmly dial the police giving their address and description).

Perhaps they’re talking about extreme weather conditions.

Let’s say there’s a major tornado in your area and you just saw Dorothy and Toto fly by outside. Apparently the throne will change colors.

Back to the instructions:

“ To preserve this chair for future generations you must do the following: Do not use around sharp knives or objects . (Oh, no. I guess I’m going to have to resign my activities with the Shopping Mall Mama Gangstas.)

Do not touch with a cigarette or open flame (And I wanted to sit in my inflatable chair and have a fondue party.)

Do not rub against a rough wall or a rough wall surface . (Now they’ve taken all the fun out of life. Haven’t you ever been to a party where everyone rubbed an inflatable chair against their head to form static electricity — then watched how long they could get their chair to stick to the wall?)

Do not jump on your Strawberry Shortcake chair . (So we can’t do cannon balls off our sofa onto the chair anymore either? What do these depressed, lonely, joyless shells of human beings who invented the inflatable throne do for fun on their long winter nights at home anyway?)

Do not use in your pool as a flotation device . (I guess that means the 5,000 inflatable thrones on the USS Abraham Lincoln are all going back to Party City another awful case of wasteful government misuse of our taxpayer monies).

If you are sitting out in this chair in a cold climate added inflation will be needed . Now, I understand why in the movie March of the Penguins (filmed in Antarctica ) the mother penguins all pushed their inflatable thrones 400 miles across frozen wastelands to the warmer waters of the ocean. It was so they would need less air when they sit down.

Aren’t Mother Nature’s instincts nothing less than amazing?

If you are sitting in a hot climate your Strawberry Shortcake chair may expand and cause over-inflation . This explains why there are no inflatable thrones today in Saudi Arabia . It seems the grandfather of Prince Faisal was launched in sub-atmospheric orbit when he purchased a fleet of the first Strawberry Shortcake chairs for his twenty palacesand failed to read the instructions. One minute he was sitting poolside in 125 degree heat, the next minute they found him sore but unharmed in the Libyan Desert 1800 miles from Riyhad.  Apparently directions for the Strawberry Shortcake inflatable throne do not come in Arabic.

This chair is made to last but caution is required to avoid damage to this or any other inflatable product. (At least I am not reading this in vain since these principles are transferable.)

Please follow all of these instructions carefully and enjoy your new inflatable furniture (What if I deliberately choose not to enjoy it does that void the warranty?) You know, just thinking of having to follow all these instructions just to enjoy an inflatable throne made me want to sit down, no, stand up, take a nap, Oh, whatever.

Where is my sharp object?

by Cheryl Moeller, stand up Christian comic for moms and syndicated columnist. Read more of her outrageous humor for moms at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com 

I was talking to my nephew and his wife (who is pregnant) and told my 2 year old son William that Sarah had a baby growing in her tummy.

William immediately turned to my nephew and asked him, is it yours! To which my nephew replied, I don’t know…maybe we need a dna test!

Teresa Atkins
Holyoke MA

Submitted by Karen of  Family Friendly Market

I don’t know what made him think of it, but it was too cute to forget.

Submitted by Amy Fox of Fox Art & Design 

Submitted by Alondra

Submitted by Michelle McConnell
Designs by Michelle Custom Bracelets
http://www.custommadebracelets.com

“Mommy, can cows get sick?” asked my 5 yr old daughter. My oldest son, 11yrs old, decided that he would answer her question.
“Yes, Caitlin, cows do get sick! You know they are sick if they have soured milk.”

My husband and I tried not to let them see us laughing. But it really was funny!

Rhonda Twitty
http://www.my.ws/rhondastwitty

Submitted by Cynthia Powell
Chicks & Cubs