You know you have a large family when…

The combined mileage on your cars is 1,000,000 miles (and you haven’t left your suburb in seven years).

No one invites you over for Sunday dinner (unless it’s for a fast).

You have a laundromat in your basement (it’s open all night and you still can’t find an empty machine). Read more

TMYP: Text Message Your Preschooler

photo credit: andrew_Lin

There will come a time in a child’s life when they are finally too old for the baby monitor…

That’s when it’s time to move on to cell phone text messaging between you and your preschoolers. Forget those outdated phonetics and learning the ABC’s — today’s hip family is moving straight into texting. Everything these days from business alerts to love notes are getting abbreviated in texts. Kids don’t need to learn to read “See Spot run.” They need to be able to alert their mothers to pending demands for munchies: *S4C = Starving for Cookies. See how it works? Read more

Happy Mother’s Day Game: “Meal or No Meal?”

photo credit: billaday

For Mother’s Day week, I have added my own game show to the tradition of “Deal or no Deal?” I’m calling it “Meal or No Meal?”

I think I can compete with “Deal or No Deal?” host Howie Mandel but I refuse to shave my head.

My show works this way.

I have just been on a homeschool field trip to measure the width at the widest spot in the Fox River, the pediatrician, the post office, the oil change place, and pharmacy. But, of course, I am expected at 6:00 Pm to be home and produce a sumptuous, savory, and satisfying meal. Read more

Polygons and Heptagons

Today is a banner day for my little nephew, Sean, as his favorite Aunt
with the same first and last name attended his grandparent/special
person day function. Sean and I are old hands at this sort of thing as
we attended the same event but at a different school last year.

The first performance of the day is a concert. Sean has the honor of
singing solo. I am very proud of him in his smart suit and tie and
untied shoes. He manages to keep clean for the better part of the drive
to school and looks every inch the Vienna choirboy, minus the alter
server outfit. My husband has absconded with my camera so I am left to
the devices of my new cell phone. Surprisingly, I manage to figure out
the camera/phone with no problem. My nephew marches out and places
himself right in front of the choir leader; she does not realize that
she is blocking my view. I move, Sean moves, we play this back and forth
shuffling of places several times until I am able to see Sean. After
snapping a few photos for his parents, my stomach reminds me it is snack
time.

On our way to his next class, Sean treats me to a hot chocolate at the
school lunchroom. He neatly spills chocolate down his sleeve, assuring
me no one will notice. Advise him to wash the spots in cold water and I
am promptly ignored. We hurry to class and Sean declares that he can no
longer abide his dressy clothes. He wads up his suit coat in his
backpack until I gently remind him of his mothers warning to hang up the
coat.

The teacher looks expectantly at her new students, polygons and
heptagons are on the agenda today. This is ridiculous, Sean is in fifth
grade! I start to seriously sweat when the teacher advises the students
to bring out the compass and protractor. This is not good for me and I
look feverishly at my watch, a half-hour to go. The teacher suggests
that we help our charges in their studies. Hastily make my way to the
bathroom and stay there a long while. Every man for himself in math
class! When I emerge we are beginning our origami project, my past
inadequacies of spatial problems begin to haunt me. The teacher
encourages us to measure all angles; this is the stuff nightmares are
made of.

Finally the teacher wonders if we, the guests, might like to relay our
favorite fifth grade math stories. Oh God, this keeps getting worse and
worse. All of the guests are of the World War II generation, most of
them are a bit hazy but they are united in one thought. No one had to do
this level of math until high school. I begin to feel a bit better until
it is my turn. I relay the importance of the multiplication tables and
percentages. The students look at me like I am some kind of numbskull
but I stand by my statement. One does need to figure out the tip…

Author Bio: Shawn Underwood
shawn@shawnunderwood.com
www.shawnunderwood.com
Humor mom column

How to Sleep Your Way Through Parenthood

photo credit: lemoncat1
I am here to tell you that there truly is a light at the end of the tunnel. When you have children, it’s just harder to see it with all the dirty clothes blocking the way. But I have seen it, walked in it and it is as wonderful as you have always imagined.

The trick is getting there in one piece, sane and with some memory of who you were before you had kids! Read more

Every Day is Good Some Days are Better

photo credit: cotaro70s

By: Cheryl Butler

We have a motto around our house—“Every day is good, some days are better” which my husband initiated way back when before we even had kids. An eternal optimist, he can find the bright side to the dimmest of situations, which is certainly not a bad trait to pass along to our children. Last week, I had one of those “good” days, if that’s what you could really call it. After drying my first load of laundry I was dismayed (Ok, disgusted) to find that a red crayon had slipped by my pocket checks and had melted all over the load of clothes, mainly my husband’s business shirts—7 of them! Did I mention they were brand new shirts? They were. Trying to save some time, I washed them along with some of the kid’s play clothes, and the result of my efficiency was a Crayola disaster that resembled a candy cane with the measles. Read more

Uncool Mom

photo credit: DeaPeaJay

I have some troubling news - I’m no longer cool. My awesome card has been reluctantly confiscated by my daughter. Unfortunately, I do not expect to have my membership reinstated until she finds herself, many years from now, fresh from the delivery room desperately trying to soothe a colicky bundle wondering how I survived the secret bliss of motherhood. Until then, I will have to settle for occasional hugs and quips like, “Stop, Mom, you’re embarrassing me!” She seems to think it is inappropriate for a thirty year old to sing Hannah Montana while whipping up burrito bowls for dinner - who knew? Read more

The Report Card

One sweltering afternoon, on our way home from preschool, my daughter fished furiously through her princess backpack and hooked a small yellow envelope. Tucked neatly inside was her first report card. Eagerly, I scanned over Abby’s first evaluation. It seems as though she is learning right on schedule. My little lady scored perfectly on everything with buttoning as well as touching objects in the bathroom listed as her only shortcomings.

I pulled into our driveway beaming with pride for my girl. Abby, enveloped in her four year old freedom, was oblivious to the significance of her first report card. She just wanted to take off running to her favorite spot in the garden the instant her size tens hit the grass in the front yard. Read more

Read the Instructions or Else!

Kenzie’s dream was a lofty one — to sit upon her own throne on her 9 th birthday and unwrap her gifts. So she talked me into buying a Strawberry Shortcake inflatable chair to be used to fulfill not only her royal ambitions but another dream as well. When we moved into our current home four years ago she exacted a promise that I would decorate her room in pink. As you guessed it is still blue, but for one Strawberry Shortcake throw pillow, a Strawberry Shortcake poster, and an inflatable pink throne she would consider her room officially decorated until she Read more

Mom’s 2008 New Year’s Resolutions One Month Later

January 1st: “My children and I will learn Modern Hebrew this year.”
February 1st: “My children and I will weekly eat one dozen bagels with lox.”
January 1st: “I will get the kids the pet they’ve always wanted.”
February 1st: “I will buy a collar and a leash for my chia plant.” Read more

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