2. The childbirth coach promised the contractions wouldn’t hurt any more than holding an ice cube in her hand. She’s never been able to take ice in her tea, since then.

3. Rather than playing soothing music in the birthing room, her husband listened to ESPN Classics rerun of the 1987 Super Bowl.

4. The doctor decided to play an additional nine holes and ordered the Pictosin drip turned down to one drip per hour.

5. Her husband took a picture of her facial expressions, during hard labor and used it for their family Christmas letter.

6. The hospital mistakenly delivered a taco supreme with Tabasco sauce, instead of clear broth and ice chips for lunch.

7. The florist tied five dozen helium balloons to the end of the bed, causing it to rise at a 45 degree angle for over an hour.

8. The nurse mistakenly wrote the name of the prescription on the birth certificate — making her the proud mother of a girl named Tylenol 3.

9. Your husband promised the entire delivery room staff a sit down Thanksgiving dinner the day after you arrive home.

10. She overheard her husband in the hallway saying, “I don’t know what the big deal is about labor…I think she’s being overly dramatic…”

2. Mom and dad are doing full-out cannon ball dives into the community swimming pool — that is, until they ask you to leave.

3. Bedtime is now 7:30 sharp — in the morning.

4. You roasted s’mores with the kids over an open fire last night — that is after the marshmallow catches fire on your stovetop.

5. You make truckloads of lemonade for dinner — using the water from the fire hydrant.

6. You call your friends and tell them you’re calling from seaside at Martha’s “Grape” Vineyard — actually you’re sitting in a 2 foot plastic wading pool, after your son smears grape jelly all over his face.

7. You contact Carnival Cruise Line on-line and ask if they will sell your family one way tickets.

8. You tell your husband you’re having “shrimp on the barbie” for supper — actually its your way of telling your husband that your five-year-old daughter left her favorite doll on the gas grille.

9. You call your favorite baby-sitter and insist tonight they read a story and make macaroni and cheese — for you.

10. Mom finally takes a nap — but doesn’t notice, under the sprinkler.

…if you peel your kids’ grapes.
…if you do your kids’ laundry, even before they wear their clean clothes.
…if you are way more interested in planning your eight-year-old’s birthday party, than your eight-year-old is.
…if you have to limit yourself to only vacuuming 30x a day.
…if you dilute your kids’ soda pop, worried the bubbles will frighten them.
…if you bake totally organic bread, with absolutely no crust.
…if you have each kid, each day, in over 500 activities.
…if you start to teach your daughter classical french, and the doctor asks if you mind waiting, until he cuts the umbilical cord.
…if you lay awake sobbing that your four-year-old won’t get into Harvard, because they lost the coloring contest at Wendy’s Restaurant.
…if you think your two-year-old doesn’t have potential to be an Olympic ice skater, because they don’t twirl properly, in the balls at MacDonalds.
…if you peel your kids’ hot dogs.
…if you urge your kid to run for president and the contractions are still five minutes apart.
…if you hire an oil painter to do a portrait, of your baby’s ultrasound.

• to talk out their issues and problems, instead of shoving, pushing, and tackling out there on the field.
• to stop whispering out there in huddles, it makes the other team feel bad to be talking about them.
• that the real Super Bowl is the white big bowl in the bathroom.
• that the point of wearing a uniform is to help you act more polite and respectful in school. So, why do these men put on uniforms, then start ramming each other and doing crazy dances in the end zone to celebrate it? No one should clap for them when they do either.
• that those men in the black and white striped shirts, carrying a whistle should use their yellow handkerchiefs and not throw them down on the field. And why use yellow ones? they don’t match anyone’s outfit.
• that those men floating up there in that big Goodyear helium balloon should come down rig ht now before it pops and someone gets hurt. Besides, they are cheating — hanging up there trying to see the game without having to buy a ticket. Shame on them.
• that it’s really not nice to pour a huge bucket of Gatorade on that man with the clipboard, standing on the sidelines at the end of the game. That’s probably his homework he’s been working on the entire game. Now it’s all wet and the teacher will make him stay after school and do it all over again.
• that coaches should know when you call a “time out” you should make all the players go over and sit in the corner for 30 minutes, and think about what they have done wrong. And you don’t let them back on the field, until they say they’re sorry. They usually let them run back on the field in just two minutes — it only encourages bad behavior.
• that NFL teams don’t need a coach. What they really need is a MFL super mom, who won’t give the guys supper, if they come in with their uniforms all dirty one more time.

9. The Midwife takes off her watch and instead hangs up a lunar calendar.

8. The RN sits down and begins reading her hard bound copy of War and Peace.

7. The OB doctor looks at his watch and decides he can get in a round of golf – in Bermuda.

6. The chaplain says he’s overjoyed he can bless the newborn just a few days before he retires – he’s only 28.

5. The phlebotomist smiles and says, “This will be fun – a Christmas baby!” and heads off to a Fourth of July parade.

4. You husband produces a dozen roses in the delivery room and says sweetly, “And you thought I would forget our tenth anniversary…” That’s when you remember you were admitted on your 8th anniversary.

3. Your little boy was studying for his weekly spelling test when you left home in labor – he now text messages you to say he’s been accepted to College.

2. The dietician thanks you that now she’ll be able to use all of her season tickets to the opera.

1. The monitor tells you your contractions are now as far apart as the summer Olympics.

photo credit: Torsten Mangner

1. 1. Her presidential cabinet will consist of experts in finding shoes that fit (Department of the Insole), making microwave dinners taste homemade (Department of Homeland Mac and Cheese), and getting ketchup stains out of white clothes (Department of Clorox Security).
2. World leaders will be intimidated by her multitasking ability to negotiate a treaty and do her child’s math simultaneously.
3. All presidential limos will be replaced with bullet-proof minivans that come with a DVD player in the back seat.
4. Everyone in the nation will receive a “McDonalds Happy Meal” tax credit (during bad economic times an additional stimulus package will consist of a one Filet of Fish & McFlurry per family).
5. Her first 100 days in office will focus on making sure there are no dangerous electrical outlets in the West Wing.
6. The presidential seal will be replaced with the Gerber baby.
7. Her first choice for Vice Presi dent will be a reliable babysitter.
8. She would appoint “pro-early bedtime” Supreme Court Justices.
9. The leaders of the G-7 nations will be forced to play soccer on the front lawn of the White House during summits (two yellow cards and you get sent home).
10. The national anthem will be sung by Alvin and the Chipmunks.

photo credit: Medmoiselle T

No one invites you over for Sunday dinner (unless it’s for a fast).

You have a laundromat in your basement (it’s open all night and you still can’t find an empty machine).

Holidays are always at your house (Santa has to use a “wide load” sleigh and 16 reindeer to haul everything down to you).

Your monthly grocery store receipt is 4 figures (the commodities market rallies every time you go shopping).

You are happy to get your oldest daughter’s hand-me-downs.

As long as you book it by the fourth of July, you are guaranteed a reserved table at your favorite restaurant for your whole family for Valentine’s Day.

You use a whole box of oatmeal to make breakfast (and that’s for the younger kids and newborns).

Your driveway looks like a used car lot (your husband wears a plaid sport coat and has to check with his manager before handing you the keys).

photo credit: jsgphoto

photo credit: andrew_Lin

There will come a time in a child’s life when they are finally too old for the baby monitor…

That’s when it’s time to move on to cell phone text messaging between you and your preschoolers. Forget those outdated phonetics and learning the ABC’s — today’s hip family is moving straight into texting. Everything these days from business alerts to love notes are getting abbreviated in texts. Kids don’t need to learn to read “See Spot run.” They need to be able to alert their mothers to pending demands for munchies: *S4C = Starving for Cookies. See how it works?

Look at all the positive advantages to staying in touch with your preschoolers by texting…

You can stay in close communication when you are at the stove and they are sitting at the table building a Lego castle. That way you can accede to their demands and tantrums in real time. Today’s busy preschoolers simply don’t have the time for a normal give and take conversation. They live in an on demand world, so when they demand a Juicy Juice texting allows you just in time delivery.

Another advantage is that your preschooler is more apt to respond to your text message than your voice. Let’s say your four year old is going on a bike ride with dad. Don’t yell out the door, “Kyle are you wearing your helmet? That is so yesterday. Just text him, K RU Wearing HMIT? He’s sure to answer with something like, HOSBO. (Helmet on and seatbelt on.)

Texting is quicker and allows for more discreet conversation when called for. For instance, say your child is at grandma’s and you remember you didn’t send along a diaper. Simply text: RYPT (Remember your Potty Training). When he has a discreet moment he can text message back, 2 LATE.

Texting allows preschoolers to strengthen eye-hand coordination, build small motor skills and increase vocabulary. Where else do four year olds get to practice on an area the size of a small tooth? It’s worth noting that while tots as tiny as three are able to grasp the art of texting, adults, on the other hand, are frequently reduced to tears trying to find the comma on their cell keypad. We recommend checking out resources to help you at your local library such as, Pushing Buttons for Dummies and Grownups.

Text messaging can also be used to help build your preschooler’s self-esteem. Simply send random messages as, URGR8 @ PD (You are great at Play Dough), or HMWYA (Hannah Montana Wants Your Autograph). Your child should never wonder at any given moment what you are thinking.

In the wake of the growing popularity of texting for tots, new related businesses are springing up. One enterprising Chicagoland teen has started a business called Textingfortots, where busy parents can have all sorts of things texted to their preschoolers on an established schedule. Birthday greetings, jokes on April Fool’s Day, notes from Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. There’s even reminders to make cards for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Through the service, kids can also download bedtime stories to their Blackberries.

Text messaging takes most of the work out of parenting. In closing, you can spend more time at the spa to have mud wraps by eliminating facetime and letting technology turn you into a virtual parent. To aid you in your journey toward cyber-nurture here’s a handy and up-to-date dictionary of common Preschool Texting Messages and Answers:

SGHWYCT = Show Grandma how well you can talk

G3GO3 = Gaa, Gaa, Gaa, Goo, Goo, Goo

TYN = Take Your Nap

IYD = In your dreams

EYB = Eat Your Broccoli
FVC = Favorite Cereal

NMSOCP = Need more sugar on Cocoa Puffs

DC = Diaper Change?

2 Late = No translation necessary.

*VIN4C = Starving for Cookies

OHFFS = Only Healthy Food for Snacks

PMSOHH = Put More Syrup on Ho-Ho’s

IJMYT = I just made you tofu

RUK? = Are you kidding?

SC$SH = Success with Shopping (found Pampers 50% off)

SB? = Seatbelt On?

PT = Potty Training

2 Late

SC = Drink Your Sippy Cup

JC2LCC = Just Chugged 2 Liter Coca-Cola

TMM = Text Message Me Urgent Please

CTHDFC = Can’t Talk, Helping Dad Find Comma

It should be noted that a recent study found that irritated tots were turning off their new technology gadgets at an alarming rate and climbing into their parent’s laps to demand stories and facetime instead.