Archive for 'Mom Humor'
You Know Gardening is NOT your gift, when…
Posted on 18. Apr, 2009 by cherylmoeller.
- Your roadside stand customers offer to pay you, if you’ll keep your vegetables.
- Your pesticide company sprays you instead.
- You hire a lawyer, to defend yourself, from the class-action lawsuit the locust file against you.
- You’re able to grow more mold in the desert, than veggies in your garden.
- You hire the United States Secretary of Agriculture, as a consultant, to get a row of radishes to sprout.
- Your heart tells you “yes!”; your knees tell you “no!”
- Your weeds are your best friends, not your enemies. (You figure, at least with the weeds, something is growing.)
- You don’t have fourteen trillion zucchinis to pass out in late August
- Your sweat is how you water your garden, causing flooding to kill your plants.
- You buy veggies at the store and then lay them around in your garden, to impress others
- Your woodchucks know your first name and you attend Junior Woodchuck’s high school graduation.
- You attempt to rototill your driveway.
- Your neighbor’s compost heap wins first place in the county fair, instead of your garden.
- You drive your spade deep into the ground for the first time and lights flicker in the neighborhood.
- You planted on New Year’s Day, because the seeds were on sale.
- Your rabbits actually prefer the plastic vegetable display on your kitchen table.
- Your slice of cheese, in the bottom of the frig, is the only thing green growing on your property.
- Your zucchinis are bought by the United Starts Defense Department, for artillery training.
- The only Burpee in your garden is from indigestion.
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Is Your Mom Swedish?
Posted on 13. Mar, 2009 by cherylmoeller.
- She publishes a Swedish cookbook that begins with, “Add two pounds of butter, two gallons of cream and a quart of sugar…”
- She had the bridesmaids’ wear dresses with wide blue and yellow stripes at her wedding.
- She tries to administer coffee and pastry to a man choking in a restaurant.
- She asks the grocery store manager where she can find the ice cream with meatballs.
- She scolds her children for eating their vegetables before their rice pudding dessert (“It will ruin your appetite…”).
- She serves tiny mashed potato sandwiches for appetizers.
- She names her triplets Arvid, Arvid, and Arvid (after her husband and his two older brothers).
- She puts a smorgasbord (a buffet of 20 different entrees) daily in her daughter’s lunch box (“Oofta mia…A child cannot think on an empty stomach…”).
- She drinks her black coffee from a saucer with a sugar cube tucked in the side of her mouth (the cup is filled with heavy cream just in case she needs a swig).
- She cuts a homemade doughnut in half – then eats both halves.
- She demands to know why Starbucks does not have lutefisk flavored coffee (lutefisk is a dried codfish preserved in lye).
- She has a bumper sticker that reads, “I brake for sugar and blonde wood furniture.”
- She marvels at the condensation on the bottom of her milk glass, which takes the shape of cinnamon rolls.
- She starts all out preparation for St. Lucia Day in July, and wonders aloud why it’s not a bank holiday.
- She complains that accordion players never win a Grammy.
- She rides her large Dala wooden horse, when no one is watching.
- She believes a mom is as strong as her coffee.
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Super Bowl Mom: Why the NFL needs the MFL (Mom For Laughs)
Posted on 01. Feb, 2009 by cherylmoeller.
The MFL needs to tell the NFL…
- to talk out their issues and problems, instead of shoving, pushing, and tackling out there on the field.
- to stop whispering out there in huddles, it makes the other team feel bad to be talking about them.
- that the real Super Bowl is the white big bowl in the bathroom.
- that the point of wearing a uniform is to help you act more polite and respectful in school. So, why do these men put on uniforms, then start ramming each other and doing crazy dances in the end zone to celebrate it? No one should clap for them when they do either.
- that those men in the black and white striped shirts, carrying a whistle should use their yellow handkerchiefs and not throw them down on the field. And why use yellow ones? they don’t match anyone’s outfit.
- that those men floating up there in that big Goodyear helium balloon should come down rig ht now before it pops and someone gets hurt. Besides, they are cheating — hanging up there trying to see the game without having to buy a ticket. Shame on them.
- that it’s really not nice to pour a huge bucket of Gatorade on that man with the clipboard, standing on the sidelines at the end of the game. That’s probably his homework he’s been working on the entire game. Now it’s all wet and the teacher will make him stay after school and do it all over again.
- that coaches should know when you call a “time out” you should make all the players go over and sit in the corner for 30 minutes, and think about what they have done wrong. And you don’t let them back on the field, until they say they’re sorry. They usually let them run back on the field in just two minutes — it only encourages bad behavior.
- that NFL teams don’t need a coach. What they really need is a MFL super mom, who won’t give the guys supper, if they come in with their uniforms all dirty one more time.
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Ten Reasons a Mom Knows it’s Going to be a Long Labor and Delivery….
Posted on 08. Nov, 2008 by cherylmoeller.
10. Housekeeping brings in a Chia Pet and asks if you’ll water it daily.
9. The Midwife takes off her watch and instead hangs up a lunar calendar.
8. The RN sits down and begins reading her hard bound copy of War and Peace. (more…)
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10 Reasons Why My Mom Should be President
Posted on 02. Nov, 2008 by cherylmoeller.
Why My Mom Should be President
- 1. Her presidential cabinet will consist of experts in finding shoes that fit (Department of the Insole), making microwave dinners taste homemade (Department of Homeland Mac and Cheese), and getting ketchup stains out of white clothes (Department of Clorox Security). (more…)
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You know you have a large family when…
Posted on 21. Jul, 2008 by cherylmoeller.
The combined mileage on your cars is 1,000,000 miles (and you haven’t left your suburb in seven years).
No one invites you over for Sunday dinner (unless it’s for a fast).
You have a laundromat in your basement (it’s open all night and you still can’t find an empty machine). (more…)
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TMYP: Text Message Your Preschooler
Posted on 29. May, 2008 by cherylmoeller.
photo credit: andrew_Lin
There will come a time in a child’s life when they are finally too old for the baby monitor…
That’s when it’s time to move on to cell phone text messaging between you and your preschoolers. Forget those outdated phonetics and learning the ABC’s — today’s hip family is moving straight into texting. Everything these days from business alerts to love notes are getting abbreviated in texts. Kids don’t need to learn to read “See Spot run.” They need to be able to alert their mothers to pending demands for munchies: *S4C = Starving for Cookies. See how it works? (more…)