Archive for 'Relationships'
Do You Know Your Teen’s Friends?
Posted on 22. May, 2009 by Mom Mag.
We hope, as parents, that what we’ve taught our children will be the guiding force behind them as they become teenagers. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case, no matter how well we think we did. Before long, they begin to listen more to friends than to their parents. Do you know your teen’s friends, and why is it important that you do?
While it’s important to encourage your teens to have friendships with their own peers, it’s also wise to know who your teen’s friends are. How do you get to know them, however, when it seems like your teen is always on the go?
Even though it sounds old-fashioned, if your daughter is starting to date, you may request that every date she has makes a point to come into the house to meet you. She may balk at the thought of having to parade her dates in front of you, but what you’re actually doing is being a good parent and watching out for them.
Be sure you know where your teens are at all times and who they’re going to be with. It’s not that you’re trying to control your teen’s life; you do, however, want to be aware so you can reach them in case of an emergency. Monitoring their activities and their friendships can help you more easily recognize if they’re using drugs, alcohol, or participating in unwise activities.
It’s possible that you know some of your teen’s friends because they’ve been friends since they were children. However, as your teens enter high school they’ll meet new people and make new friendships. These friends can either be a positive or a negative influence on your teens.
Encourage your teen to invite friends over to watch movies one weekend. Let your teen pick out a couple of movies that they know their friends want to see. Plan to order several pizzas or allow your teen to prepare the meal. Be sure to have plenty of popcorn on hand for when the movie is playing.
Do you have a console gaming system? Your teen may enjoy having friends over to play games over during the weekend. Grill some burgers or hot dogs and let them have fun. While your teen’s friends are there, it gives you ample opportunity to get to know them.
Be interested in the activities your teen is involved in. If they’re athletes, you could attend some of their practices, but definitely go to some of their games. You’ll be able to see who they hang around with on the field and off, as well as supporting them. Do they play an instrument in the band? Try to attend their performances even if it means giving up some of your own activities.
If you’re not comfortable with your teen’s friends, try not to impose restrictions on your teen seeing them. That could lead to them being rebellious and going behind your back to do so. Instead, try to talk to them like they’re adults by explaining your reasons why you have reservations about their friend. If you’re convinced of unacceptable activities, this would be even more of a reason to discourage those relationships.
Getting to know your teen’s friends is important for many reasons. Take the time to meet and spend time with your teen’s friends so you can recognize any warning signs that the friends are a bad influence. If they’re a good influence, instead, you’ll be able to enjoy time with your teen and their friends.
Continue Reading
Give Your Teen Time and Attention
Posted on 18. May, 2009 by Mom Mag.
No one likes to feel like they don’t matter or that they’re not wanted. Sometimes, however, teens feel that way even if their family isn’t aware of those feelings. That’s why it’s important to give your teen time and attention. You want them to feel like they are important, not only to you, but also the family as a whole.
Spending time together as a family is something that strong families do. Some teens are more independent than others, and may not need the extra time and attention. However, your teen may need your undivided attention on regular basis – more than you know. Since you know your teen best, you can determine how much time the two of you need to spend together.
Are they going through a hard time at school? They may need to know that you’re available to listen without judging them. You can encourage them by explaining some of the trouble you faced when you were their age. If they know that what they’re going through is common to teens, it may help them feel better about the situation and themselves.
They may have broken up with their boyfriend or girlfriend and need you to reassure them that it’s not the end of the world. You don’t want to give them platitudes about young love or time heals all wounds. Offer them a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.
Perhaps your family has been affected by divorce and your teen feels like the split is their fault. It could also be that since their parents aren’t together anymore they’re feeling vulnerable and that their world has been torn apart. It’s times like this that teens need extra time and attention. You may want to concentrate on them to let them know the breakup of your marriage wasn’t their fault and that you’re not going anywhere. Reassure them that you and your spouse still love them but that you had problems that you couldn’t overcome.
Whatever the situation that makes your teen feel that they need you, you’ll want to know how can you spend more time with them? It’s not as hard as you think. In fact, it could be as easy as eating meals together each night instead of everyone running their separate ways.
You could also try taking up a shared hobby or sport. Has your teen always wanted to try rollerblading? Now would be the perfect time for both of you to take it up. If you have a teen daughter, you may want to spend time going through old photographs and create scrapbooks together – one for each of you.
It’s not really that important what you do to give your teen time and attention. What’s important is that you’re actually spending time together, talking, and listening to what they have to say. They want to know they matter and spending time with them can help accomplish this.
Experts agree that friends and peers are important to children and teens, but there’s no one that can compare to the influence a family has on them. When teens spend regular, quality time with their families, they get the type of support that only families can give. And that support can make a world of difference in their quality of life.
Continue Reading
Getting Back the “Spark” in Your Marriage
Posted on 15. May, 2009 by Kim Fredrickson.
I often get the following question from couples, so I thought I’d take the time to share some helpful hints. “We’ve been married a while, and have grown distant from one another. What can we do to get some of the “spark” back?”
This is a great question and happens to a lot of couples. With the advent of our careers, children, and the fast-paced society we live in, it’s common to have distance develop slowly between couples.
There are a variety of reasons distance occurs, from more serious reasons such as built up anger and resentment and/or a couple’s long-term inability to resolve conflicts to more minor reasons such as taking one another for granted over time.
Research has shown that marital friendship is the core of a successful marriage. Becoming better friends…that is really knowing one another and ourselves in a deep way is a good place to start to bring back some of the loving feelings and “spark” back into your relationship.
There are three aspects of marital friendship that when developed can make a big difference to the overall happiness and satisfaction of your marriage:
1. The first aspect of marital friendship that can make a difference is knowing what makes the other person “tick”. This would include knowing your spouses:
* Hobbies, and why they are satisfying
* Dreams for the future (for family, career, retirement, relationships, purchases), and why these matter to them.
* Sensitive spots…areas of past hurt or embarrassment that you need to be extra aware of and sensitive to.
* Stresses and worries in a variety of areas, and why these are so.
* Favorite way to spend a day, vacation, date, free time; and why this would be enjoyable to them.
* Career aspirations…whether that be in or out of the home, and what need these goals hope to meet.
* Spiritual Life…What is your spouse’s spiritual life like? Is this something of importance to him/her, and is it something you can share?
* Friendships…who are his/her friends and what is satisfying or frustration about these relationships?
* What does your spouse most need to hear when discouraged or down?
2. The second aspect that can deepen your friendship relationship with your spouse is to develop, understand, and practice loving words and actions toward your spouse. Ask yourself: “What are some of the loving words and actions I used to show my spouse when we were dating and first married?” Make a list, and even ask your spouse what types of words or actions you could do that would feel loving to him/her. Start small and try to do 2-3 of these a day. The key is to do these regardless of what your spouse does. One person’s loving actions can sometimes cause a new loving pattern to start. Think of these loving acts as gifts to your spouse, not as a bartering tool for what you want. Even if there are deeper issues that need to be resolved, reforming a foundation of loving actions will make it easier to tolerate the hard issues and feelings that need to be discussed.
3. Make time for your spouse and your relationship in your life. Resist always doing the urgent with work and/or kids. While these pressures are understandable, the accidental result of pushing your spouse to the background can cause a lot of loneliness and resentment. Think of creative ways to connect with your spouse. Some ideas might include:
* Going on a date once a week…time to just be together. It doesn’t have to be expensive, or even take a lot of time. Things like taking a walk, going to a coffee shop and talking, playing a game of tennis, or playing cards can infuse time, fun and closeness that will yield good feelings and build your friendship.
* Spending the first 20 minutes after the kids are in bed to check in with each other. Try to include not only the details of the day, but how you are both doing on the inside. Try to listen, and not correct or fix what the other person is sharing about.
* Spend time each day connecting physically in some way…greet one another with an enthusiastic hug and kiss, rather than a quick “peck”. Hold hands, sit close, give one another a caring touch on the shoulder, etc. These daily connections help to build loving feelings and deepen your relationship. Trying to have a vibrant sexual relationship without the foundation of daily physical touch and emotional connection will not be successful or satisfying.
* If children or work are causing you to be extra busy, distracted, or stressed…talk to your spouse about it. “Honey, I know that I’ve been distracted because of the baby, my work, school, etc. Spending time with you is important to me, even though I’m in this pressure cooker right now. Is there any time we can set aside I the next three days just for us?” Sometimes we think that if we don’t verbalize it our spouse won’t notice or won’t mind. While this is a nice fantasy, it isn’t true, and in fact will triple the hurts feelings and pain.
These are some great places to start to rebuild your friendship and familiarity with your spouse. Make it a goal to do several things each day to show your spouse the love and caring you feel for him/her.
Continue Reading
Tips For Resolving Conflicts In Your Marriage
Posted on 11. May, 2009 by Kim Fredrickson.
I recently received a question from a friend of mine about problems she and her husband are having resolving conflicts. This is such a common problem in relationships. If you can relate, you’re normal! This is how she shared her frustrations…
“I get so frustrated with how my husband and I can’t resolve conflicts. Is there a “right” way that works?”
Here’s my answer…This is such a great question! Know that you’re not alone. Many couples feel ongoing frustration over their inability to come up with solutions that satisfy both people. While coming up with a fool-proof plan for resolving conflict is a worthy goal, it is also very important to realize the important foundation that needs to be in place in order for couples to work together to solve conflicts.
According to John Gottman, Ph.D., happy marriages are based on a deep friendship…a mutual respect for one another, and an enjoyment of one another’s company. This deep friendship does not prevent arguments; instead it gives couples a “secret weapon” that helps those arguments not get out of hand.
When couples have not been able to build this friendship, they may find themselves endlessly fighting the same arguments over and over again. Most arguments are not about the issue argued about, but instead are more about a deep frustration or loneliness in the marriage. Interestingly enough, most conflicts around sexual intimacy could be solved by focusing on building the friendship in the marriage first.
It might be helpful to know that couples have different styles of conflict. No one style is deemed better than another. What does matter is that the style work for both people. Another surprising fact is that most marital arguments cannot be resolved, when the focus is on changing the other person. It simply can’t be done. Couples would fare much better to work on building the friendship in the marriage and out of this closeness, work toward coming up with solutions that are good for both people.
In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, Gottman offers lots of helpful and practical ideas for healing and strengthening marriages. I’ll share two now. These hints are helpful when sharing a problem in any relationship you are in.
1. When bringing up a problem, start out softly rather than harshly. Research has shown that most of the time if an argument starts harshly, it is doomed to failure. If you can’t bring up your concern in a calm manner, take a breath, slow down, and try again later.
2. When you share your concern, share a complaint, not a criticism. A complaint shares about a specific action your spouse did or didn’t do that is distressing. A criticism is more hurtful in that it adds negative words about your mate’s personality, character, or motives. For example, a complaint would be: “I’m upset that you didn’t take out the trash like you said.” A criticism would be: “You are so lazy. All you care about is yourself. Are you ever going to take out the trash?” This approach is insulting, and it will be normal for your spouse to become defensive, rather than hearing and addressing your concern. This approach will not get you the result you are wanting.
I wish you well in your work to better your marriage. Don’t give up, the work is worth it!
Continue Reading
Get Closer to Your Teenager
Posted on 06. May, 2009 by Mom Mag.
At a time when it seems like families are being torn apart, it’s important to get closer to your teenager. How on earth do you do that when they’re changing every day? The following ideas and tips may be just what you need to get closer to your teen and realize that they really are wonderful.
As pre-teens reach their teenage years, you may feel like you’re revisiting their toddler years. They try to run from you and assert their independence; however, now they’re not merely seeking independence but also learning about who they are and what they have to contribute to the world. Even though they run away, the will still come back – although it may not be permanent. That’s why it’s so important to get closer to your teen now while you still have time.
Regardless of how busy you are, make time to spend with your teenager. This could mean taking off to the mall for a day of shopping, attending their extracurricular activities, or inviting their friends over for a day of movies and fun. You may also want to plan family activities that everyone in the family will enjoy. This could include miniature golf, going on a hike, or even ice skating. Pick an activity, or activities, that everyone can participate in and have a great time.
Doing chores together can also be a means to get closer to your teen. You may not think so, but standing at a sink full of dirty dishes and soapy water can actually be one of the best places to talk. You don’t have to concentrate too hard on the task at hand, but it can allow you to talk about things in a non-threatening way.
Cooking is another way to grow closer to your teenager while at the same time teaching them how to cook. You can show them how to plan a meal, cook it, and then serve it. This task may not seem very enjoyable, but it really can be a way to have fun with children and teenagers alike. You may even want to go so far as to help them go shopping for all the ingredients they need for the meal, but that’s entirely up to you.
Take time to laugh with your teen. Try to stay playful with them, much like you did when they were children. If nothing else, you can make an attempt and possibly get a smile out of them.
Be sure they know that you love them. They may balk at you trying to hug or kiss them on the cheek but they need your touch as much now as they did when they were smaller. It’s true, they might not reciprocate, but it’s important to convey your love to them in some tangible way. When you say “I love you” they may respond “Oh, Mom.” You’ll probably want to say it anyhow.
You can use chores like cooking or washing dishes to help you get closer to your teenager. Let your guard down and be transparent about some of the struggles you had as a teen. They may be more willing to talk realizing that you do understand what they’re going through. Then learn to listen to what your teen has to say rather than doing all the talking. Who knows, you may get closer to them and be on really good terms when they leave home and you can know you helped to raise this wonderful person.
Continue Reading
The Power of Sharing Your Needs
Posted on 05. May, 2009 by Kim Fredrickson.
I was recently sharing about the Power of Sharing Your Needs during myweekly podcast, Encouragement for Your Soul. I’ve gotten some positive feedback from my subscribers about how to share your needs in effective ways with yourself and others, and thought I’d share with you some of what I covered.
Part 1 looked at basic needs in 8 key areas and helped my subscribers assess their needs.
Part 2 covered how to share your needs with yourself, God and others in effective ways. So first, think about your needs:
1. What needs are being met adequately?
2. What one or two needs are not being met that you’d like to focus on?
3. Brainstorm all the ways you might be able to get these needs met. Try to not censor your list, but to be creative. Also think about any friends you might possibly enlist to mutually help one another get needs met.
4. Continue to be aware of things you could do to meet your need in simple ways. Remember it isn’t black and white, even meeting a need a little bit more will make a difference.
Start with sharing your needs with Yourself. Before we can share them with God or others, we need to acknowledge that need is good and valid to ourselves. So here’s an example of mine:
A while back I realized that I have a need to recharge by carving away some time for myself each week. I acknowledged this need to myself, and owned it for myself This is when it became my responsibility to see that my need was met. If I don’t own it as my own, I will be looking to others to fill my need, or become resentful when this need isn’t met. How this looks is that I protect a space of time for myself on Fridays. I treat it as sacred time for me. What I do during this time varies from week to week. I don’t agree to meet other people during this time, I don’t do errands or chores during this time, and I don’t let others decide how I use this time. I didn’t used to do this – instead I thought of taking that time as optional in my mind and what happens to optional time – it gets scooped up by the needs of others, or used for mundane things that drain me, not fill me. My being able to protect this time for myself started by owning that I have this need and that I, not others, am responsible to see that it is met.
So, #1 is sharing the need with yourself, and owning it. If you talk to God about things in your life, a natural #2 would be to share this need with Him, and ask Him to help you meet it, to see creative ways you hadn’t thought of, to help you protect the time, etc. There are some who might say you should share the need with God first, but I look at it differently – until we see the need ourselves, and own it, we won’t be able to share it with God. Third, if another person is involved, you may choose to share that need with them. Now there are a million things I could share about this but to not overwhelm and keep this to something simple you could try this week, here is the basic principle.
When sharing your need, say what you want, not just what you’re upset about. This is where we get messed up. If you share a need with someone else and just complain about the other person, or how your needs aren’t being met this will never work. I think a part of us wants to believe that we can say anything we want and the other person should be understanding and receptive. But that doesn’t work at all – at least not with people. The only one who is that patient is God Himself. Instead, try these guidelines:
1. Keep it simple
2. No complaining about the other person
3. Say what you want clearly and concisely
4. Be specific
Here’s some examples:
“I was checking in with myself and realized that I need 3 hours to myself once a week to recharge. If I don’t get this, I can get cranky and resentful and I don’t want to be this way. My plan is to do this on Friday mornings and get a babysitter for this time.”
“I would like to be a little more active and so I’m planning to take a walk after dinner each night. Could you look after the kids for 30 mins while I do this? I’d be happy to do the same for you when I get back so you can have some time to yourself.”
“I’ve always wanted to take a course at the community college. I’m planning to sign up for the fall semester and take photography.”
“I realize I don’t spend time reading the Bible like I want to. I’ve decided to join a woman’s Bible Study on Thursday mornings, because I know I won’t do it on my own.”
None of these are with an attitude of “I don’t care what you think”. They are with an attitude that I’m caring for myself and valuing myself rather than waiting for someone else to magically meet my needs, and then be resentful because they aren’t getting met.Believe me, I’ve tried that and it doesn’t work! Now the person you have shared with may not say “Great, how wonderful” but that’s OK. Still retain the need as important, and get more creative with how to meet it, or partner with friends to accomplish your goals.
Here’s a few good questions to consider for yourself:
* Are you waiting around for others to read your mind about what you want?
* Are there times when you don’t even know what you want, yet are hoping that someone else will know?
* Do you stay silent about a need you have, then feel resentful later because your needs weren’t met?
If so, it’s pretty common to approach our needs this way. The problem is it doesn’t work for us, or those in our lives.
So, how about trying some of the ideas above?
Remember, it isn’t selfish to pursue goals or needs that are important to you. It’s actually selfish NOT TO because if you aren’t a partner in taking care of your needs, you’ll unconsciously be resentful to others for not meeting your needs (often ones that you might not have told them about).
I hope this has been helpful to you!
Take some time today to come up with a simple plan to meet a need of yours.
For more powerful ideas to help you with your relationships and self-care, subscribe to my Podcast by visiting www.KimsPodcast.com/kims-podcast/. Think how nice it would be to get a boost of weekly encouragement to improve your relationships and help you with self-care. You need it, you are worth it, and you can do it!
Continue Reading
The Unknown Hour
Posted on 03. May, 2009 by Rev. Kimberly Dreiman.
In today’s society many people think they will have time to repent before the Lord returns or before the Lord calls them home by death.
This is how I feel about the situation-in today’s society pastors are involved in sin, Sunday school teachers are in sin and I believe the reason is that these people do not have a personal relationship with the Lord. Too many times people are given positions in churches because of their standing or job position in the community. The positions should be given to those who have a personal relationship with the Lord and are mature enough to lead others to the Lord. The Bible teaches that teachers will be judged more strictly-James 3:1 “Not many of you should presume to be teachers my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.” (NIV)
I am in the process of re-starting my ministry in the Indiana area-but I am having trouble finding people to volunteer as support staff for the ministry. People don’t want to volunteer for the Lord-they want to be paid for serving the Lord and then there is the problem of qualifications to be a volunteer for the ministry. Why do people believe they should be paid to use their God given talents to spread the good news of Jesus-Jesus died on the cross for our sins and rose again and will someday return for those who have stood true for the Lord. The fact that the Lord did all this should encourage people to serve the Lord freely-not charging for what the Lord freely gave to them. The qualifications to volunteer in the ministry are: 1.) Asked Jesus into their heart and repented of their sins. 2.) Baptized (immersed in water) 3.) Baptized in the Holy Spirit 4.) Living a life pleasing to the Lord-no smoking, no drinking alcohol, no sexual sin (such as adultery, homosexuality, living together, pornography or any other kind of sin that the Lord would not approve of) and anything else the bible teaches is sin.
So, what is my point-the point is that I believe once you know that Jesus died on the cross and rose again and someday will return for those who have remained faithful at some unknown time and you do not repent or if you are born again and you feel you can continue to enjoy the sinful things in life and repent when you are ready ( I believe most people plan to repent just before they die)-I believe God is going to hold you accountable for the time you could have served him-but chose not too.
As an ordained pastor I have seen people leave this earth and walk into the arms of Jesus and then I have seen those that look like death is taking them into a terrible place. I was with my Mom – Pastor Joyce Dreiman when the Lord called her home. I made the call to stop CPR and prayed with her as the Lord took her home. I knew she wouldn’t let go of this life-because she knew after she was gone-I would have no family to care for me. I knew that too-but I loved the Lord and my Mom enough to know the Lord would take care of me. The Lord has provided for me and I will continue to serve the Lord until I draw my last breath. So, I want you to think about this: Matthew 24:36-51 “No-one knows about the day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. As it was in the days of Noah, so will it be at the coming of the Son of Man. For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the Ark; and they know nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away-that is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left. Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But, understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house been broken into. So, you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him. Who then is the faithful and wise servant, whom the master has put in charge of the servants in his household to give them their food at the proper time. It will be good for that servant whose master finds him doing so when he returns. I tell you the truth; he will put him in charge of all his posessions. But, suppose that servant is wicked and says to himself, my master is staying away a long time, and then begins to beat his fellow servants and to eat and drink with drunkards. The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” (NIV)
So, I am praying you will look at the relationship you have with the Lord and if you have not repented and asked the Lord into your heart and have not served him faithfully and if you are born again-then please look at your life to see if you are living a life pleasing to the Lord and you are serving him because you love him.
Here are prayers that might be helpful-if you need to repent and start serving the Lord.
To be saved: Please, pray this prayer and then e-mail the ministry-so we may rejoice with your decision to serve the Lord.
Dear Lord, Please forgive me of my sins and wrongs and I ask Jesus to come into my heart. I surrender my will and life to you and ask you to take my life and use it for his glory. I give you the praise and glory! In the name of Jesus I pray-Amen!
Note: After praying this prayer-please find a local church and ask the pastor to baptize you and ask the Lord to fill you with his Holy Spirit. (Baptism should be by immersion) Then, study your Bible and pray daily and ask God for the opportunity to serve by spreading the good news of Jesus to others,
Prayer: For if you have not faithfully been serving the Lord: Dear Lord, please forgive me of my sins and from this day forward I will serve you with all my heart. I ask you to give me strength to resist temptation and to keep the Lord’s standards as to how I should live my life. I ask the Lord to take my life and use it for his glory.
In the Name of Jesus I pray-Amen!
