The Chore Game

I recently returned to work after several years of domesticity.
Surprisingly, my husband has been trying to help around the house,
but we have been playing a little game when it comes to chores.
Rather, I have been playing a game. He seems oblivious, as he does
with anything that has to do with household chores.

For example, let’s take last Saturday morning when he did something
so minor and then continued all day pointing out what a wonderful job
he did taking out the trash or loading the dishwasher, whatever it
was. (Perhaps I am to blame with this self-praising because when, or
if, he helped around the house while I was unemployed I would thank
him immensely). However, my new approach is to stop this excessive
gratitude and try to impress on him the fact that he is now required
to do some housework too. So I do not react with shock and amazement
when he completes a task such as taking his plate from the table to
the sink, and I no longer faint when he rinses that plate and puts it
into the dishwasher. I desperately try to show no emotion, no tears;
therefore, (in my mind) proving to him that this is what all other
people- men included- do after eating a meal in their residence. Yet,
a new error in my judgment has come to my attention. When I do not
respond to his half ass attempts at helping, he is actually
negatively reinforced to not do them at all. Without that pat on his
back, he thinks I haven’t noticed his efforts. If I don’t notice him
doing the chores, he thinks, then I won’t notice him not doing them-
and all efforts cease.

Now I am considering consulting my friend, Lisa, the dog trainer.
Perhaps she will have some ideas. How do I reinforce the behavior
that allows him to pick up his clothes from the bathroom floor and
walk them the 8 steps to the hamper, while maintaining my integrity?
The moment I thank him for this act I am simultaneously feeding his
belief that in the natural order of things walking his clothes to the
hamper falls squarely into my responsibility.

I console myself with the knowledge that this game is better than our
old game. The last one however was played more by him- I was its
victim. The rules of his game are simple- it was created by my
husband, although I do believe husbands around the world are familiar
with the basic concept. This is the one where I ask him to do a
simple chore: vacuum the living room, fold the clothes in the dryer,
or put the groceries away (are we agreed that a normal man is capable
of these activities- am I fooling myself?) and my husband eagerly
begins to do his chore badly. He is well aware that I will simply
have to re-do all of his not so hard work that he do not so well. And
he knows this will drive me even more insane than having just done it
myself the first time, therefore -and this is where he gets me- I
will not ask him to do these things again. Sometimes when I forget
about his lack of folding skills, he no longer needs to go through
the original act of folding badly, he will simply remind me, “Sure
honey, I will fold the clothes, but you know, I am not very good at it.”
Submitted by: Lori Axford - New York, NY