Remembering You

Somewhere between pregnancy and motherhood I crossed a line about the value of myself. I was never a fashion guru or a makeup queen, but I always took care of myself and was proud of my attractiveness. And then I had this precious child who demanded everything of me; a house with endless responsibilities; and a husband who provided so well that I felt compelled to make his home life as comfortable and easy as possible. During this time my parents divorced and I had to come face to face with issues I’d been ignoring about my father. Soon I was forced to sever ties with him, and was left with anger, sadness and the pain of feeling unloved. Little by little, without even noticing it, I began to put myself down. Soon I was at the bottom of the line where everyone and everything else came first. My value for myself diminished and guilt and self-hatred took its place. I couldn’t lose the baby weight, I stopped caring for myself and I began mentally depreciating myself constantly. I could buy products for the care and necessity of everyone else, but the thought alone of getting what I needed brought me close to tears with guilt. Somehow the idea got embedded in my thought that I was worthless: worth

less than everyone around me. When we begin to hate ourselves for whatever reason, the result tends to be the same – we want to disappear. Some do this by trying to take up as little space as possible through disorders like anorexia or bulimia; others try to take up so much space that people will take one look and instantly dismiss them as someone who doesn’t matter.

One day it occurred to me that there was a difference between body image and self-image, though they were definitely connected. I began looking at my self-image and correcting my view about my body. I began trying to see what my body had to say about me, the story it told, it’s strengths instead of its weaknesses. Slowly my self-image became less critical. Then one day I was reading Oprah’s “What I Know For Sure” in her February, 2003 issue of O, and she said, “You are not built to shrink down to less but to blossom into more.” I wanted to be full – not with possessions or food, but with myself! Full of myself to the brim – and proud of it! After slight changes such as this in thought, I was ready to begin adjusting what I ate and the way I used my body. I began concentrating on my food intake as to what made my body feel good and useful and productive. I began exercising as much as possible. Soon, watching my body’s strength and endurance increase became more important than the pounds that were slowly dropping off. But there was another key to this puzzle for me – one that I discovered quite by accident. The key of forgiveness. Forgiving others is something I have worked on and fairly mastered: the only thing to remember is that their thoughts and actions have nothing to do with the real me. The key was self-forgiveness. No one talks much about self-forgiveness, but it has proved vital in my life. There was a lot of baggage and self-anger I was carrying around with me over mistakes and decisions I had made in the past. The things I had chosen to do that had not worked out, the reactions I’d had to things I wish I could retract, all these things were still inside me feeding my feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness. Finally I sat down to look at these things and began to realize that, though I might regret some things, I learned a lot and grew from every one of those mistakes and decisions and through that growth ended up happily married with a wonderful son. I then realized it was time to forgive myself, to have compassion and understanding for myself, and to love myself again instead of turning away from who I really am in criticism and denial. This sense of self-forgiveness really helped eliminate a lot of the trash talk in my head. I have come a long way in how I look at myself, but this doesn’t mean I never think a bad thought because unfortunately I do. It is almost like an addiction, this disliking yourself. It keeps you down, it keeps you hidden and it keeps you in a constant state of excuse. How can anyone, even you, expect great things of yourself when you are: Fat? Worthless? Unattractive? Nothing? They can’t, you don’t and you won’t. There are still many times when suddenly the same person I saw in the mirror yesterday who looked fine, the same person who was active and useful and moved with purpose is now the person I despise. I will look in the mirror and see a saggy woman who is a failure. I will think these things until I am quite unable to do anything. And then I will cry. But now, a small voice comes through reminding me that I have begun to rediscover the real me, and she is just waiting for me to look in her direction again. This voice reminds me that God created me, and that by diminishing myself, I am really diminishing Him. I am saying that He is not powerful and loving and full of life, but is small and ugly and worthless. In the Bible, God announces Himself as the great I AM. Since we’re His reflection, it follows that when we use the term, “I am..” to describe ourselves, we are attaching those labels not only to us, but to Him as well. And don’t we deserve more than that from ourselves? There is no need for guilt when it comes to body image or lifestyle or career when the choices we are making are ones that make us feel good. But as women we have a part of ourselves that often believes we are unworthy and so are guilty for exactly what we deserve / need / makes us happy. Recently I lost track of the good steps I’d made and was falling into a pit of despair all over again. I knew what I needed was some perspective, a change of scene. I needed to get out of the house and responsibilities that were keeping me locked in and be quiet and alone long enough to rediscover what I knew to be true about myself. My husband and mother graciously stepped in to help make a weekend alone possible. It was exactly what I needed to get some balance back in my life. But I almost cancelled the trip out of guilt for taking the time for myself, because for some reason I believed I did not deserve it. I brought this up to my mom a couple days before I left and she told me how when she was first divorced from my dad and finally living on her own she felt such an overwhelming sense of freedom. Immediately on its heel came guilt. She was talking with an older woman friend of hers one day and told her about this guilt, and the woman said, isn’t it a shame that we have to feel guilty for what we deserve? This woman owns a large home that she loves and uses every room in, yet she said she finds herself constantly defending her ownership since it is only her living there. We have to remember that God created men and women and so we are all an equal reflection of Him. Society since the beginning has placed women into the Adam dream – the idea that we came from a man and therefor owe something to man. God is our only creator and it is only to Him that we owe anything – and all He wants from us is everything: happiness, success, freedom, love, independence, active lives and spirits. And most of all a love for who we are and with that the ability to live as fully and wonderfully as possible. As women we need to listen to ourselves more. We get so busy listening to everyone else – their needs and opinions – that we often forget the sound of our own inner voice. This is the voice that gave you your dreams, your loves, your own valuable opinions and ideas. Taking time to truly hear what your voice has to say again will open the channels to knowing who you are, and what you deserve and truly desire. Writer John Hargreaves explains that we are never given a desire that God hasn’t already fulfilled. This does not mean that if you want a yacht one will magically appear on your doorstep. What it means is, if you have a true desire for the openness and freedom and power that a yacht would bring, you are recognizing this desire because God has already established a way for those things to be present in your l
ife. Writer Richard Bach says something very similar, “You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true.” But to fulfill these wishes and desires we must be open to seeing them as they present themselves in our lives and to do this, we must be in touch with ourselves. Taking the time to care for your needs – putting yourself at the top of the list instead of the bottom – is not a selfish thing to do. In fact, quite the opposite. It is a gift we give to our family and friends. Dr. Phil says that we teach people how to treat us. Teaching people the correct way to treat us is not only a gift to ourselves, but is a gift for

them since it brings into their experience respect and understanding. It teaches our daughters to grow with self-respect, it teaches our sons how to be wonderful and loving men, and it gives the gift to our husbands and relationships of keeping alive the true woman you are, the one they truly love and know is there. So whatever that means in your life at this moment – demand and expect it. From yourself first. Live life full of yourself and see how it feels to remember you.

2007-03-22