The Feelings Are All The Same

One of the most valuable things I’ve learned since my daughter’s diagnosis is that regardless of what the disability is, the feelings are all the same. The more families I meet that have a child with a disability, the more I realize how much we have in common when it comes to our emotions—emotions that surround the diagnosis and how it affects the family as a whole.
I’m sure you’ve heard that the stages we go through mimic the stages of grief—we are grieving the loss of the healthy child we imagined when we learned of the pregnancy. The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Denial is refusing to believe that this is actually happening to you, your life; your child.
Anger is when you are mad at the disability or disease itself; you are angry that you have little or no control over it.
Bargaining is when you try to bargain with yourself or your higher power—you try to make a deal to have your child be without this ailment.
Depression is obviously when you are very sad about your child’s condition and find it hard to think of anything positive. You constantly focus on the negatives of how the disability is affecting you and your entire family. I can go on forever about this stage because I am very familiar with it!
Then, finally the best stage of all is acceptance. Some of us get to this stage rather quickly; some of us never get there at all. Accepting your child’s condition settles in, and it is only then that you can truly help your child reach his or her potential. It is when you have healed yourself inside enough to get on with your life and you are able to focus on all the wonderful things your child is capable of doing, instead of concentrating on the things he can’t.
I’ve learned that men and women go through these stages in many different ways. Many men stay in the anger stage for a very long time because being angry is the only way many of them know how to cope with something beyond their control. Anger becomes their most prevalent defense mechanism. I have also learned that since women are such emotional beings, it is very easy and comfortable for us to remain in the depression stage. We cry easier than men, and we are very good at dwelling on things—it’s just our nature!
The most frustrating thing about going through these stages is that without any warning or notice, you can slip in and out of any stage at any time. Maybe a certain sound or smell reminds you of the early days of your child’s disorder or a physician mentions something about the initial trauma or diagnosis and you revert back to depression.
You need to know that you are not alone and other parents of children with disabilities are your best resources. People who have been where you are and where you are about to go…
Realizing it is normal for you to go through the stages of grief is crucial in getting to the acceptance stage and staying there. I am passionate about this subject because I got stuck in the depression stage and I wish there would have been someone there to tell me it would be OK. Trust me, whatever stage you’re in or about to go through, you will survive and go on. And that wonderful, beautiful, special child will help you get through it and teach you many things about life along the way.