Mommies Magazine

The Mommy Competition

Posted by Susan Heim in Loving & Living with Twins & Multiples

My twins were conceived naturally, without the use of technology. In fact, I was on birth control, and they were an accident! I carried them to 39 weeks, when they were born vaginally at 7 lbs. 13 oz. and 6 lbs. 9 oz. They spent no time in the NICU and came home from the hospital a mere two days later.

Don’t you just want to smack my smug little face? Brag, brag, brag . . . I was reading a message board for mothers of multiples and found similar statements: “Mother of triplets . . . delivered vaginally . . . carried to 37 weeks . . . weighing 6 pounds each . . .” I’m thrilled for this lady. But is it really necessary to rub it in that she didn’t require a C-section? That her babies weren’t premature?

And let’s be honest with ourselves: Women like her and me had very little to do with our easy pregnancies or healthy babies. We’re not “supermoms” or “breeders extraordinaire.” The fact is, we just got lucky. So why do I—and millions of women like me—feel the need to “one up” each other when it comes to our pregnancy experiences?

Of course, this “gloating gene” isn’t exclusive to mothers of multiples.

Did I mention that my first-born son (a singleton) was born at 42 weeks, weighing 9 lbs. 13-1/2 oz., and I delivered him naturally with NO EPIDURAL?

Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself. Okay, I admit, I’m thrilled that my pregnancies went well. I’m tickled pink (or, in this case, blue) that my sons’ birth weights were so high and that I birthed them vaginally.

But I also know that millions of women aren’t so lucky. Some women take years to conceive a longed-for baby. Often they go through numerous rounds of expensive and exhausting fertility treatments. They may spend a greater part of their pregnancy on bed rest. Perhaps they delivered prematurely, and their precious babies spent months in NICU, barely holding on to life.

These parents are the real heroes—not me. They wanted to be parents so badly that they endured the worst to bring their children into the world.

So, shame on those of us who flaunt the ease with which we became parents. We have the right to be grateful, yes, but not to minimize others’ experiences. We need to be more sensitive.

The bottom line is, there is no right or wrong way to have a baby. There is no better or worse way to become a parent. Every experience is unique.

For those of us with multiples, it’s easy to get caught up in the special circumstances of their birth. Our children are, indeed, miraculous. They draw lots of attention. When someone tells us how precious our twins are, we couldn’t agree more! It’s so easy to chime in: And I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant! Or, I carried them to full term!

The funny thing is, I came very close to not having anything to brag about. Before my four children were born, I suffered two heart-breaking miscarriages. I had surgery to remove a fibroid that was blocking a fallopian tube and impeding successful implantation. And if that hadn’t worked, I most certainly would have pursued further options to become a mother. Fortunately, I didn’t need to, and four sons later, I’m bursting with pride!

But again, I got lucky. My treatment worked. For some women, it doesn’t. For many, the outcome isn’t as fortunate. I remember the pain and desolation I felt after my miscarriages. And my heart continues to bleed for those mothers who are now in that position.

And so my hat goes off to all mothers . . . no matter the path they take to get to parenthood. I’m thrilled for you. I’m proud of you for doing whatever it takes to become a mother. We are all heroes for loving our children so much, for sacrificing our health and our lives to bring them into the world. Yes, we deserve to brag a little, but let’s not forget to support our sisters who suffer.

And the next time a mother brags to me that she breastfed her twins for two years, I’ll resist the urge to snap her hefty-sized bra. I won’t feel guilty that I ran out of milk after just a few months. I’m just so happy to be a mommy . . . that both of us are mommies . . . and we each did it our own way.

Written by Susan Heim

Susan M. Heim is an author and editor, specializing in multiples, parenting, women’s and Christian issues. Her books include "Boosting Your Baby's Brain Power"; "Chicken Soup for the Soul: Twins and More"; "It’s Twins! Parent-to-Parent Advice from Infancy Through Adolescence"; "Twice the Love: Stories of Inspiration for Families with Twins, Multiples and Singletons"; and, "Oh, Baby! 7 Ways a Baby Will Change Your Life the First Year." Upcoming books include "Chicken Soup for the Soul: All in the Family," "Chicken Soup for the Soul: Devotional Stories for Women," and "Moms of Multiples' Devotions to Go." Susan's articles and essays have appeared in many books, magazines and Web sites. She is a member of the National Association of Women Writers and the Southeastern Writers Association, and has a degree in Business Administration from Michigan State University. Susan lives with her husband and four sons (two teenagers and twin grade-schoolers) in Florida.

See all posts by Susan Heim